The splash of cold water to my face was enough to wake my tired eyes from the humid slumber I had recently left behind, the welcome effect of my morning mug of tea filtering through my body. Already in my gym gear, I laced up my trainers and scrambled for my headphones on the counter. Stepping outside into the dappled light, I had my usual battle with the door to the outbuilding, the wood swollen in the heat, the sweat already trickling as I pulled hard on the handle. On the third tug, I was in. I looked down at the weights, in the same position as I left them, waiting patiently for me as I selected my chosen podcast for that day. I’ve relished in this simple morning routine of mine since returning to the UK, it setting me up perfectly for the day ahead. But what I wasn’t expecting that seemingly normal day was to be stopped right in my tracks, stopped due to the words I was hearing in my head, stopped due to the thud of the penny dropping from a huge, huge height.
Let me explain further.
I was recently recommended The Mel Robbins podcast by a friend for a specific episode but I decided to listen to a couple more as I started to rather enjoy it. In the episode I chose that day, Mel was discussing this thing called the “let them” theory. It’s a simple concept, ordinary really, and so small it shouldn’t make an ounce of difference to how I go about my days or how my brain processes its thoughts. In truth, I knew it already; I’ve known it all along. But listening to Mel describe it that day and being able to relate to so much of what she was saying - that’s the great thing about Mel, she always uses her own experiences to get the point across - was the moment the penny hit the floor. And now after listening to this particular podcast on this particular day, I cannot get it out of my head. I experienced one of those “ohhhh” moments, a lightbulb moment if you will. And I just had to share it with you lovely readers because you might just do the same.
Tell me, have you ever over-thought what others are doing or have certain expectations of others that for whatever reason they can never hit, never mind exceed? I’ve spoken about expectations before, it’s a topic close to my heart of late…
Anyway, let me give you some examples of what me - and Mel - are talking about …
Your friends didn’t invite you out for brunch. But you always get invited for brunch!
Your partner has stayed out longer than they said they would. They said they would be home by 8pm. It’s now 8:36pm!
Your parents aren’t hosting Christmas this year. Don’t they realise you look forward to it every year?
Your children are moving abroad. When will you ever see them?
Your partner ate a bag of crisps before dinner which you prepared. Don’t they realise how much effort you put into making this?
There is an annoying driver in front of you. Why are they driving so slow!?
What if your first thought wasn’t anger, frustration, disappointment or anxiety-fuelled (or road rage)? What if instead you could say two little words to yourself which could diffuse the madness within your brain?
Two simple words.
Easy.
To the point.
“Let them.”
Let them do what they want. Let them not invite you to brunch, let them be late, let them cancel Christmas. Why does the way in which someone else lives their life have to impact you? Why cause yourself unnecessary stress in worrying and overthinking it? The theory doesn’t mean you should just stay quiet and never tell people how their actions make you feel, but with the use of these two simple words - let them - hopefully rather than flying off the rails or becoming hurt or upset, you can create space to think more rationally.
“What happens when you adopt the "let them" theory is that you are able to catch yourself when you're controlling people and you don't need to be. You are able to drop into a more surrendered, peaceful feeling instead of letting your emotions rev you up. I use this thing in so many situations in my life I've basically lost count at this point. You can use the "let them" theory for just about anything, and 99 percent of the time when you feel yourself trying to control a situation or another human being, I want you to use the "let them" theory.”
A few words from Mel’s podcast
Here’s a couple of example scenarios …
Scenario - Your friends didn’t invite you out.
Your initial reaction - How could they? What did I do wrong? I don’t understand. I thought we were friends.
Your “let them” reaction - Let them. They can do what they want. I can’t control them and neither should I want to.
And …
Scenario - Your partner has stayed out longer than they said they would.
Your initial reaction - What are they doing? Where are they? Why say a time if they aren’t going to stick to it?
Your “let them” reaction - Let them. They can do what they want. They can stay out longer if they choose.
I’ll admit, I’m a self-proclaimed control freak. I like to be in control. I don’t like situations where I feel out of control. But I’m learning to let go. For my own sanity if nothing else. People (read me) think that in controlling others, that everyone, including themselves, will be happier. But I’m starting to think, actually I’m starting to know, that’s not the case. In fact, as Mel describes it and which I totally agree with, you are suppressing the other person and in the process, probably driving yourself insane. By not controlling them, you are letting them be their own person, you are seeing their true selves, you might even see them flourish. And as a result, you will be free from the over-thinking anxiety-inducing thoughts which, if you are anything like me, live rent-free in your head.
Since listening to that podcast on that warm June morning, a number of situations have happened in my life which would usually piss me off or result in me over-thinking. But when I said those two words out loud in my head, I felt myself rebalance. Let the person, whoever it may be, do what they please. Don’t try and control or change the situation or them. Just, let them. I think of it almost like trying to get someone to fit into a mould in which you have created for them and then wasting so much effort trying to squeeze them into that space. Instead, let it go; let people be themselves, accept people for who they are, and see if their true self is a good fit for you. If you need to speak to them after about how their actions made you feel (because let’s face it, we don’t want people to keep doing the same things that piss us off over and over again) do it but do it calmly, rationally, and from a place of wanting to understand rather than control. We are allowed to feel hurt or upset or disappointed, that’s normal, but I believe how we react is what needs to be controlled, not the person or situation which made us feel that way.
I can think of so many times where I wish I could have known about this before. In fact, it is so ridiculously straight-forward and reeking of common sense that I’m annoyed at myself for not thinking or doing it sooner. I suppose sometimes you need a great big slap in the face or a different view point or a new way of explaining something to make you sit up and listen. This podcast did that for me as for some reason, it just hits differently. I realised, too, that I also want people to let me be, that I don’t want to be controlled. So why should I feel the need to control others or set them up against expectations that, let’s be honest, they aren’t even aware of themselves?1
If any of this resonates with you, I would urge you to go straight to the podcast and hear the wonderful Mel Robbins explain the “let them” theory in more detail!
Here is the link to the YouTube - The Let Them Theory
Of course it’s not going to work overnight. My regular thoughts still creep in from time to time. But I don’t berate myself for that; it’s hard to change a decade-plus long thought and behaviour pattern that is so deeply engrained. But I’m encouraging myself to build this new habit into my thoughts, to add it into my tools of developing that more conscious, rational mindset that I’m working hard to achieve.
Much love as always. And if you’ve enjoyed this weeks newsletter, which I hope you have, it would mean the world to me if you shared it with a friend or subscribed for future newsletters xxx
I want to add, as Mel did in her podcast, that there are caveats to this technique. If somebody is doing something dangerous or they are discriminating against you, or someone else, that might not be the time and place to just “let them”. Mel goes onto advise you should also ditch the "let them" theory when you are asking for something or advocating for your own rights. In the podcast she gives the example of negotiating your salary, stressing that you should never accept the first offer you get.
Such amazing advice, Lyndsay - gosh, thank you. I'm one of those people who get really het-up about things - I'm going to practise the 'let them' theory until it sticks! Grateful for this very valuable post. 😊
You explained this so well. Acceptance is so freeing and something I'm always trying to practise. A needed read right now :)