Expectations vs Reality

"Disappointment is the gap that exists between expectation and reality"

I suppose it’s only natural that we allow our minds to create a certain expectation of how things are going to go, or of how we want them to go. We build up this incredibly vivid image of what we think is going to happen in a certain situation, be it a holiday or a new job or buying that dream home. We imagine how we are going to think or feel. We are influenced by others, be it family, friends, or social media, and the things we see and the conversations we have, feed into this mental image. Before we know it, we have an ideal scenario of exactly what we expect to happen in a certain situation, we may expect a certain outcome and we may set an idea of what we want or need from it.

But it’s a trap. Your expectations are actually robbing you of your appreciation of reality and reducing your gratitude of what actually happened as a result. And when the reality doesn’t match your expectations, it leads to stress or feelings of failure or unhappiness.

I cringe looking back over the years, to times where I have put immense pressure on a situation to be a certain way and to then proceed to beat myself up when the reality falls short. I’m sure there is a link to my fear of failure alongside my need to prove to everyone that the things I set out to do are totally amazing and worth it. Comparison has a huge part to play too. The number of times I have looked at other people’s lives, of those that I know or of influencers I follow, and set expectations based on what I’m seeing. But then when my reality doesn’t match their “reality”, or my own expectations which is fed from their “reality”, it bothers me. Why isn’t my life, or my experiences, like theirs?

I don’t believe that all expectations are bad. They can often be good, leading you to work hard to achieve certain things, to strive for more from life. Setting expectations can be motivating, they can give us a push to achieve certain goals, they can make us ambitious and I’m all for that! I think it’s about becoming aware of your expectations and your emotions towards them when they aren’t met. Believe me when I say I don’t have the answer but it’s definitely something I’m working to understand.

Let’s take my past year as an example. I set expectations with the overriding theme of I will enjoy every single minute of travelling in a camper van because I’ve given up so much to be here! But what happened when reality didn't hit the mark?

I drowned in disappointment.

Travelling in a campervan is a fantastic experience but every day hasn’t been a fun-filled one. There is a misconception that long term travel feels like a continuous holiday, one big fun adventure. But it soon becomes the reality, the everyday norm and most days aren’t adventurous at all but instead end up being rather dull.

In the beginning, the unmet expectations I experienced left me pretty high on the scale of disappointment but what I’m trying to do is reframe the disappointment and to ask myself why I’m disappointed. Were my expectations realistic? Could the disappointment have been avoided? Can I stop beating myself up for not meeting my ridiculously high and absurdly unrealistic expectations? And more importantly, can I look at the reality and be grateful for what actually happened?

It turns out that I absolutely can!

Yes, some days have been dull and boring and mundane but there have been days of fun, days which have felt like a holiday and days where I’ve had to pinch myself to believe it’s real. I’ve been to some amazing places, places I never imagined I would visit, and the places we didn’t get to go to will still be there, untouched, waiting for us to explore in the future.

I started to write. I started a volunteer role. We’ve even found a place we want to live for a little while. I have learnt so much about myself, about what I want and don’t want from life, about why I think and feel the way I do. As a couple we have discussed the kind of life we want to create, where we want to be in five years time, what our goals and ambitions are.

The travelling has been the all-important circuit breaker we both needed it to be, to remove ourselves from our old life and to think about the new.

The simple light bulb moment where I realised that I get disappointed from unmet expectations has been a huge moment for me and now I’m trying to learn how I can stop expecting so much, how to let things go, how to go with the flow. Life is messy, unpredictable. Just imagine how boring it would be if our expectations did come true, if we could predict the future, if we could predict exactly how our life was going to unfold.

One thing I do know is that we shouldn’t settle for less and we shouldn’t rid ourselves completely of expectations. I suppose, for me, I want to learn to manage my expectations better and I want to be able to let go when the reality is different to my expectations. I want to rid myself of the disappointment and practise gratitude for the things I do have or for the things that have happened.

If we get less than what we wanted or expected, it’s hard not to get disheartened, to feel demotivated or to feel the universe is against us but shifting that focus to what we do have, or what we did gain from the situation, can change our perspective for the better.

"My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations." - Michael J. Fox