I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while but I’ve never quite found the words or perhaps the right words for such a sensitive, opinion-dividing topic. But the time now feels right and call me crazy, but I think I was meant to write this now; the signs are everywhere.
I’ve consumed a lot of content over the years on the topic of being childfree. I suppose to start with I was trying to find answers to justify my position on the topic or to seek out like-minded individuals, role models even, who had the same or similar views to my own. It’s comforting to seek confirmation that you aren’t the only one thinking in a certain way. But now I’m comfortable in my decision, comfortable enough at least to put pen to paper to capture my own thoughts and share them with you.
Lately I seem to have found myself in an echo chamber of information regarding the reduction in fertility rates, the reasons for that and what that means for society as we know it. I’ve then been piecing that together with my own feelings around having children, thinking about the conversations I’ve had of late with many people, some who are childfree and some who aren’t. It’s such a personal subject but now with the added narrative of the decline in the world’s population, it makes for an interesting topic of debate. It’s complex and I hope I can do it justice with as little bias as possible. I also hope that we can all come together in the conversation, people with or without children, people with varying views, and respect each other’s opinions and personal decisions.
Although I can’t remember the exact moment, I’ve known for a long time that I don’t want children. I have vague memories of playing with dolls as a child amongst the other cliché acts that young girls do, but as I moved through adulthood and started to live my own life, building a picture of what I want my life to be, I’ve become acutely aware that I don’t see children in my future. There have been moments where I’ve questioned that decision, times where my husband and I have asked ourselves “what if”, occasions where sentimentality takes over for a little while. But today I’m childfree by choice and with that comes the most commonly asked question of why: Why don’t I want children?
Nestled deep within me is a sense of difference, a void where my maternal instinct should be, alongside an unescapable inner voice telling me that a different path awaits, the path for faulty women. I hear other women speak about a feeling, the description feeling alien to me. My womb doesn’t ache when I look at a child and I don’t look at a family with the desire to create one of my own. I sometimes wonder if people would think of me as selfish? I don’t want to give my life up, my body up; I don’t want to make those precious sacrifices. I suppose if that makes me selfish then so be it.
If you’ve been here for a while you will know that I speak regularly on craving freedom, exploration and travel, a life of variety, and personally I can’t imagine combining that life with a child. I’m sure it can be done and I’m sure there are many people who can tell that tale. I don’t want to tell that tale. I also don’t want to be responsible for raising a life in this mad, mad world.
As I write my reasons for being childfree, I can hear the reply responses being shouted at me from the other side of the fence.
“I wasn’t maternal until I had my own child.”
“Giving birth and carrying a baby is the most natural thing you can do as a woman.”
“The child can become part of your life. You don’t have to change your life.”
“You will become selfless when you have a child of your own.”
“The love for your child is something else, a feeling which cannot be replicated.”
“The bond between a parent and child is like no other.”
“Having a child gives your life meaning, it gives you a purpose.”
I don’t disagree. And maybe one of my reasons in isolation isn’t enough but it’s their combination that gives me the strong feeling that I wasn’t put on this earth to procreate. And to be quite frank, I just don’t want to. That alone should be a good enough reason. But I understand why people are intrigued by the choices of others. I don’t get offended when people ask me why I don’t have or want a child. I understand why this may bother some, particularly those who want children but are unable to conceive. We shouldn’t assume anything about anyone. I’ll admit that where I do get mildly offended is when people claim that I will change my mind or assume that I will regret it one day. Nobody knows me like I know me. Nobody knows what the future will hold.
When it comes to my husband, I’m lucky we both want the same thing. We had the conversation early on around children and marriage and what we both wanted. I can only imagine how hard it is if you want different things to your partner. I can also imagine how hard it is to want something so bad and not be able to have it. I hear many stories of women who aren’t childfree by choice, who want nothing more in the world than to have a child of their own but can't. I cannot begin to imagine the pain and the hurt, and my heart truly goes out to anyone in that situation.
That’s the thing we have to remember, isn’t it? There are so many nuances, so many unique situations. Those who want children and have them. Those who don’t want children. Those who want them but can’t. Those who are waiting for the right time. Those who regret having children. Those who leave it too late. Those who get pregnant by accident. Those who decide to adopt, seek surrogacy or freeze their eggs. Those who just can’t decide what to do.
It’s clear to me that there is a big argument for having children. But what if you just don’t feel it in your bones and what if you feel you have been put here to do something other than bring life into the world? Biology says I should have a child. You could say I’m going against science. I wouldn’t be here today if my parents didn’t decide to have me, or if their parents hadn't had them and so on. I sometimes wonder if a couple are more likely to have children if they come from stable homes? Neither my husband and I are from stereotypical 2.4 families. Is that a subconscious factor in our decision making? But then we both knew we wanted to get married so I don’t think it’s that simple. And I’m sure there are couples who are from broken homes who decide to have children to create the family life they never had, to create the family life they always wanted.
For me, I have my family. I have my husband and we have our dog, Jasper, who is very much our child. I never thought I could love a dog as much as I love Jasper. My world changed for the better when he entered into it and I can imagine that’s a tiny idea of what having a child must feel like. Of course I would never compare having a dog to having a baby but do I get to live out my inner subconscious maternal instinct through Jasper? I certainly think so.
I can see that fulfilment is gained from having children and I’m very much aware that a life without children means I need to search for purpose and fulfilment elsewhere. When you have a child, the next eighteen years at least of your life is taken care of, as you help them and support them and steer them to become a good person in this world. You watch them take their first steps, say their first words, send them off to school, teach them things about life, hopefully enable them to learn from the mistakes that you made or that your parents made with you. I can see how a child can be a gift. I can see how it is beautiful to watch the person you created with the person you love, thrive in life. I can see how it gives you a purpose.
I actually had a conversation with my mum recently as I told her I was writing on the topic of children. She had me at 21 and my brother 4 years later and even to this day we still give her purpose. She's been through a challenging period in her life recently and even though she had her friends and the most important reason, herself, her children - my brother and I - played a huge part in her making her way through this period and out of the other side. Ultimately, we gave her a purpose.
Honestly, I get it.
I just don’t get it for me.
Actually, I’ll tell you one thing I don’t get when it comes to the argument for having children and that’s the narrative around having a child to look after you in your old age. That might have been a reason some fifty plus years ago but hasn’t society moved on from such archaic views? Can we really have a child and expect so much of them? Can we really have a child with the purpose of them being there in our final years to take care of us? I don’t think we can. People say they have children to not be alone. I say you could have ten children and still find yourself alone.
Moroseness and mild rage aside, I know I’m not alone in this as more and more women are deciding to not have children. Did you know that 50% of women are childless by 30?1 And that this is the first time there has been more childless women than mothers below the age of 30 since records dating back to 1920 began? Of course this simply shows that many women are choosing to have children later in life but we know that a lot of these women will continue to choose a childfree life. These are the women who are going against the grain of society, who are carving out a new path, who are looking at things differently. And that alone begs the question of why?
I made the decision whilst writing to split the newsletter into two so I hope you will rejoin me back here next week for the continuation where I will explore the reasons why, delving into whether feminism has a part to play and also the views of others on the topic. Please make sure to subscribe so you don’t miss it 💜
Data from the Office of National Statistics
This was beautiful to read. I have 2 kids and brought in my nephew to raise. I scratch my head in confusion when people get offended when someone else decides they don’t want children. What’s weird to me is that you have to justify it. Why can’t the response be, like you said, I don’t want them?
Each person’s life has purpose and even though I have kids they are not my only purpose. I’m a whole person beyond just a mother. I didn’t become complete when I became a mother. Why do we push this narrative on women, as if they aren’t worthy unless they have children?
It is also odd to try to convince someone to have children who simply don’t want them. Why would you wish something with such great depth of responsibility on someone who does not desire it?
A deeply personal piece of writing that would have taken a lot of thought to put ‘out there’. As women we are entitled to our choice and nobody should judge the decisions we make. I don’t want children, I never have. I have been called selfish, questioned why I got married and as a young woman, that hurt deeply. As a mature woman I made the right decision for me and any future children. It’s nobody else’s business. Well done for your non-biased piece, I look forward to part two. 💜🙏