Making decisions as an over-thinker
From the micro to the macro, decisions have the power to shape our lives
I’m what you might call a chronic over-thinker. I spend far too much time analysing, worrying, thinking about, well, pretty much everything. Conversations I’ve had or I’m about to have, decisions I’ve made or got to make, things I’ve done or I'm about to do. I’ve even been known in the past to lay awake at night with a seemingly simple conversation from the day on repeat in my mind. How could I have handled that better? What did the person think about what I said? Could I have said something different? What did their reply actually mean? How then, reader, do you think I fair with making decisions? It’s a thrilling ride, that’s for sure. But recently I’ve found a few useful thought processes that help, and which might help you too.
Our lives are made up of micro and macro decisions, from the small habitual day to day decisions to the big life-changing ones. I like to think of our decisions as building up the story of our lives as we constantly choose the path we want to take. I’ve made a few big life-changing decisions over the past couple of years and I’m on the brink of making many more as we look to the next chapter of our lives. This has led me to think about how decisions have the power to shape our lives, for better or for worse, and how, as an over thinker, I can become more adept at decision making.
Whether we like it or not, every decision we make results in a sacrifice, and that sacrifice could be something big or it could be something small. There is a trade-off to everything, and even though some decisions are easier than others to make, there is a constant give and take, there are pros and cons to consider, a this or that option. I think to my current life where we make decisions daily whilst living on the road. Just last week my husband and I were sat in a rainy supermarket car park in Portugal debating whether to stay in Portugal or cut our losses and head straight to southern Spain. Not only do we need to decide which country we want to be in, we have to decide where to park, the route we want to drive, whether we want or need to do anything particular along the way.
We then have bigger decisions to make; about future work, about where we want to live, about what we want our life to look like. It blows my mind to think that a decision I make today could impact the rest of my life. As I mentioned before, decisions really have the power to shape our lives and define our path on this earth. But, wait, what if I make the wrong decision? And how will I ever know what the right decision is? The pressure is too much! The thing is, we will never know. Not really or at least not until we’re living the decision we’ve made. I heard someone say recently that we get to choose our regrets. I’d never thought about it like that before but I believe it to be true. At the beginning of 2022, I had a choice to make. I could stay in a life I wasn’t content in, living in a country I was no longer particularly fond of, or I could head off on my own path, redefining what a content life means to me.
Reader, which decision do you think my 80 year old self would look back on and regret not making? It certainly isn’t option one, that’s for sure. My husband and I made the decision to zig whilst everyone else was zagging and, even though it’s come with its own unique set of challenges, it’s been the best and possibly the most easiest decision I’ve ever made. And even if in some unfortunate turn of events it turns out to be a regret, I'd still choose it.
Barack Obama famously said you have to think of decisions like probabilities as opposed to absolute certainty - not that I’m in anyway comparing my decisions to that of the American President but I do think it’s a useful way of thinking! A decision won’t lead to a 100% solution, so instead think of what your options are and the probability of each. I think back to my work as a Project Manager where I was responsible for making decisions on a daily basis. I would gather as much information as possible and utilise the experts around me. I would ask questions, remembering that I didn’t always, nor did I have to, have the answer. It was a matter of looking at the options and finding the most suitable one within the defined requirements. I think the same logic can be used when thinking of non-work based decisions too. We know we want to live outside of the UK and we then have to make a decision around where that might be. I know we won’t find a location that fits 100% of our requirements but I’m sure we can find something that is 80% there, removing the pressure of perfection at the same time.
One thing I used to experience during my working days was the onset of decision-fatigue. I even feel this during our travels from time to time. When you have so many decisions to make in a day, it can feel like your bucket is over-flowing, your brain becoming weary. I understand then, why successful people attempt to minimise the smaller daily decisions in order to give more head space for the bigger stuff. I’m not saying we should all wear the same thing everyday but there is certainly method in that kinda madness.
Being a chronic over-thinker definitely makes things challenging when it comes to decision making. I often find myself analysing every option, every possible outcome - paralysis by analysis springs to mind - to the point where I don’t know which way to turn. I could very easily put off making a decision due to fear: fear of failure, fear of making the wrong decision, fear of what others may think, fear of giving up the sacrifices or dealing with the inevitable trade-offs. But through succumbing to the fear I’m holding myself back. If I wait a year to make a decision, the time is lost, my life bumbling along in the same old way. Just imagine how far you can get in life if you just make the decision.
You can probably tell by now that I like to be moving forward and I don’t like letting life happen to me. But because I’m so set on getting it right, I don’t have the tendency to jump in to a rash decision. Spontaneity isn’t my bag. Instead I get stuck in a cycle of over-thinking. One way out is to remind myself that once I’ve made the decision, I can crack on with my favourite part - realising that decision! I find once I’ve committed to do the thing, all of the uncertainty washes away and I can relish in putting the plan in place to make it happen. You see, that’s the other thing: you have to commit to your decisions. Perhaps you made a decision to lose weight or to look for a new job. That’s only the first step and you now have to follow it with many more steps as you begin to make the decision your reality.
For me, I find it helps to break a decision down. I look at the various options, at the benefits and then the sacrifices. I’ve found that being aware of the sacrifices, what I’m going to miss out on or what I might be giving up, makes it easier for me to process. My biggest decisions weren’t necessarily my hardest. They have instead felt right, and I was willing to bare the sacrifices because I knew it would change my life for the better. In choosing to head off on my own path instead of the one society laid down for me, I’ve given up my regular income, I sold my home and many of my possessions, I’ve put distance between my family and friends, and I’ve even lost friends along the way. But I’ve gained so much and I know there is still so much more to come. We are programmed to live a conventional life so choosing to go against the consensus can be extremely difficult. We also live in a world of constant influence surrounded by many polarised opinions, making it even harder to stand by our own choices and life decisions. But I believe to live the life you want, you have to learn to silence the noise.
Right now, I feel grateful that I have these decisions in front of me and I feel privileged to be in a position where I can choose how I want to live my life. I’m not so naive as to believe that I will never make a wrong decision and that I will never have any regrets. I could end up in a place, both literally and figuratively, where I didn’t expect, or want, to be. I think, though, that’s part of life and we have to take the rough with the smooth. And quite frankly I would much rather look back on a life where I actually tried, where I took the chance, as opposed to a life where I did nothing through fear of getting it wrong. I truly believe that when we realise we have the power to create the life we want, one that we won’t look back on with regret, just from making and committing to a few big bold decisions, it’s empowering.
I mean, I still can’t decide what I want to eat most of the time but I CAN decide where I want to live.
Baby steps, right?
I very much relate to being an over-thinker! An analyser. And also to decision fatigue. Oh yes.
Thanks for writing about this, Lyndsay. It's such a fascinating topic. And congratulations to you on making some big milestone decisions. It's brave!
I once had the privilege of doing some group coaching with uber successful author, Sophie Hannah. She's also a trained coach. She taught us this concept called 'deciding on purpose'. I can't remember the full explanation but I always remember the lesson - as long as *you* feel good about the reasons you're making a decision. Then that's enough to go for it.
This framing has helped me along the way I think. So even if something seems to go against logic or 'the rules', if you are aligned with the reasons why you're doing it, that's a good sign.
Our brains like the idea that things are binary. That there is a 'right' decision and a 'wrong' one. But really that's not the case, is it?
Decision fatigue is real, ugh! I can definitely relate to that. A book that I read a few years ago which I found fascinating and you might be interested in reading is The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz. He talks about this very thing! ✨