Celebrating one year on Substack 🥳1️⃣🥳

Remembering how it all began. Plus a surprise voiceover in aid of stammering awareness ....

Photo by Angèle Kamp on Unsplash

This time last year I had a couple of firsts. I pulled the trigger on starting this Substack. And within my first post I opened up about my stammer, something I’ve never done before. It was a double whammy - sharing my writing publicly and sharing something I’ve held so close to me for pretty much all of my life. Looking back, taking those two steps set the tone for 2023. I certainly started as I meant to go on…

My writing has led me to places I would never have imagined. I journal daily. I show up here every Friday with a new moment to share with you all. I’ve opened up versions of myself that I never knew existed. I’ve been lucky enough to connect with wonderfully like-minded people and have my mind blown with beautiful writing and ideas and thoughts. So far I’ve published 81 posts and I hope to match that number over the coming twelve months. Writing gives me so much, a hobby I now can’t imagine my life without. But at times, like I’m sure we all do, I think I should be doing more. More writing. More time spent here in Notes. More time to foster my community or build my readership. But the truth is, writing is only one part of me. And maybe that means I will never become a master or an orange-ticked writer but I’m ok with that. In the beginning I chased a subscriber goal, constantly checking that the number was increasing, worried when it wasn’t. I would try and think of new ways to grow but I’m in a place now where I want the growth to be natural, organic. Writing is just one part of me, there are so many other things I want to fill my time with too.

Running. Lifting weights. Yoga. Travelling. Exploring. Reading. Date nights with the hubby. Hiking. Eating. Watching trashy TV series over and over again. Socialising. Eating some more. Learning a language. Working. Volunteering. Perfecting my skin care regime. Listening to podcasts. Learning new things. Starting new hobbies. Stopping old ones. Wondering. Wandering. Asking questions. Seeking life.

I’ve never been the kind of person who can throw themselves into one thing with no room left for anything else, and sometimes I get envious of people who can do that, of those people that spend hours perfecting that craft or that hobby or that vocation. Maybe I’ll forever be a master of nothing but what’s more important, to me at least, is variety, the chance to grow and move and change in different directions. Life would be boring if we weren’t all so different, right?!

One difference I’m finally learning to love about myself is my stammer. My writing and my stammer will forever remain closely linked, as the day I hit send on my first post was my first tentative step into coming to terms with how I speak. I felt a mountain move within me allowing me a spot at the top as opposed to within its shadows. I learnt the power of vulnerability, the goodness which can come from humility, of the beauty in taking control and ownership of your life. This then led me on a path of becoming a volunteer for STAMMA, the leading charity in the UK for people who stammer, and the opportunity to give something back to the stammering community. In ode to my first post about my stammer (which you can read by clicking here) I thought I would share some facts about stammering to you today and mention the importance of representation when it comes to stammering, and any disability for that matter.

So, let's start with some facts, shall we? About 8% of children in the UK stammer and at least 1% of adults. We don’t know exactly why children start to stammer but recent research is showing that it is neurological. My brain basically coordinates the speech muscles in a slightly different way to that of a fluent person which then results in stammering. Some adults can also suddenly start to stammer as a result of a head injury, a stroke or a period of intense stress.

Stammering can change over time. Children can grow out of it and some adults tend to find they stammer less as they get older. My stammer has definitely improved the older I’ve got but I’m not sure whether I would put that down to age or the fact that I’m more confident, my stammer no longer having the hold over me it used to.

There is an unfortunate misconception that people stammer because they’re nervous. Stammering may certainly make a person who stammers more nervous because they are worried about stammering but it isn’t the root cause. Plus, everyone who has a stammer will stammer differently. We all have good days or bad days. Some days I can speak so fluently you wouldn’t know I had a stammer. Other days, it can be so bad I don’t want to open my mouth.

Photo by Brian Wangenheim on Unsplash

Spreading understanding and raising awareness of stammering is key. Stammering needs to be destigmatised in order to remove shame for those of us who stammer. A big issue the community has is a lack of representation. Thinking back to when I was growing up, I had nobody to look up to who had a stammer. I felt so alone. Nobody else talked like I did. Not only do we need representation, it needs to be positive representation. There was a conversation on BBC Woman’s Hour recently regarding the parenting of a child who stammers. What the mother said really resonated with me, particularly when she mentioned the Harry Potter books where Professor Quirrell has a stammer. He is portrayed as nervous and a bad guy. I remember reading the book when I was 8 or 9 years old and feeling ashamed. I remember watching the film years later and feeling embarrassed. Would people think of me when they read the book or watched the film? Will they think I’m nervous or a bad person because I have a stammer?

The good news is that more conversations are happening. Emily Blunt was also on BBC Woman’s Hour talking about growing up with a stammer. Labour MP Dr Rosena Allin-Khan opened up on Loose Women about her experiences growing up with a stammer. And STAMMA had a conversation earlier last year with footballer, Ken Sema, about his stammer, which you can watch on YouTube. I also saw recently Gareth Gates opening up on his Instragram about the bullying he had just experienced on a cruise ship. It’s great that he’s opening up, but bullying of a speech impediment, still? It shows just how much more work there is to be done.

That’s why today I decided to add a little voice over to this letter to you. I can’t speak about the importance of representation and not represent myself: a person who stammers. My voice is different. I’m different. We’re all different. That’s the beauty of humans. And we shouldn't be afraid to share our differences. Like my writing, stammering is just one part of me. It doesn’t define me. Many parts make up the person I am and I’m grateful for all of it. And I’m grateful for all of you that take time out of your busy lives to read my words. I’ll admit that sometimes I can’t quite believe that people want to read what I have to say, so thank you so much for being here. I hope that in sharing my experiences and my moments through my writing, you are able to seek solace in the knowing that you are not alone. That, to me, is the beauty of writing and why I will forever be grateful for it coming into my life.

So, there we have it. One year on Substack. One year of speaking openly about my stammer. What will year two bring, I wonder?

Sending lots of love, thanks and gratitude to you all 💜✨💜

Until next time

xxx