When I start something new, I tend to have little self-belief. I remember going to my first Crossfit class, many years ago now, and physically dreading it. I wasn’t good enough to start. I wasn’t at the required level of fitness. I didn’t know any of the movements and I wasn’t aware of the class format. My husband had already joined up and I would look on as he walked through the door evening after evening, full of sweat and endorphins, a happy tired look on his face. After much coaxing and convincing - and kicking and screaming out of the house - I went along to a taster class. I was nervous. I felt a bit of an idiot, with feelings of not fitting in or the fear of standing out like a sore thumb or some how failing at something I hadn't even tried, lurking in the forefront of my mind. But I left that session with a sense of achievement, the tingling sensation of my own endorphins running through my aching muscles. In truth, I felt great and berated myself for being so worried beforehand (although this cycle is something I am yet to break). I started to show up a few times a week, experiencing over time what would be described as ‘beginners gains’ and I gradually became stronger and fitter. I started to feel like I belonged, no longer the newbie in town. My attendance and my gains over the coming months began to stack up and up, forming proof that I was improving session by session, creating evidence that I belonged right there amongst everyone else.
There were still times throughout my Crossfit journey where I didn’t feel fit enough or good enough to enter a friendly competition. There would be times where I would look at a workout and wonder how on earth my heart and lungs were going to cope. But I would push those thoughts aside and try as I might to not let them get in the way of what I wanted to achieve. There have however been times in my life where no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try, I can't push such thoughts away. There are times in my life where no matter how many stripes I earn or how much competence I’m displaying, I still feel like l shouldn’t be there, as if one day people will realise I’m a fraud and that I’ve been faking this shit the entire time.
I’ve at times felt a sense of inadequacy in an environment despite objectively being competent. I’ve doubted my own skills, my own achievements. I’ve doubted others high regard of me. I sometimes have feelings like I don’t belong and I’m sure this links to my stammer where the difference in the way I speak has in the past made me feel isolated. There is a chance my introverted nature and the way I over analyse every situation makes me more likely to suffer these ‘imposter-type’ thoughts. I’m often driven to find continuous validation but actually end up doubting whatever validation comes my way. I’ve had times in my career where I’ve said yes to everything to prove that I was capable. Compounded with my fear of failure, that then created periods of frenzied hard work which lead to an inevitable bout of burnout.
In spite of all of that, an old friend once said to me how they thought I was a confident person. I laughed because I knew this not to be true. That’s crazy, I replied. And she shrugged and mumbled something about me always seeming to be confident. Have I been oozing confidence this whole time, full to the brim of fake self-assurance?! I’ll admit that I’ve tended to live by the phrase “fake it until you make it”, telling myself that the only way I’m making it in this world is by “faking it”. It formed a reassurance in my mind when I didn’t feel confident in my ability to succeed at something. It gave me an excuse for if I failed, telling myself that it wasn’t the real me anyway. I was only faking it. I also sometimes find myself asking “how did I get here?” and reasoning that I must have had luck on my side. It couldn’t have been me - I’m not good enough! I’d fill my head with other insane reasons:
I was in the right place, at the right time.
They felt sorry for me.
It’s as a favour.
There was nobody else.
They‘re going to find out sooner or later that I’m not worth it.
They took a chance on me and soon enough they’ll regret it.
These thoughts filled my head recently when I didn’t think after 18 months away from work I would be able to secure a job again. But, of course, I did.
I’m sure some of you readers will recognise these feelings described as akin to what a professional may call ‘Imposter Symprome’, a buzz term of late. And I’m sure there are many of you nodding along, relating to some or all of these thoughts and feelings. I would hasten to bet that more people feel this way than we realise. The question that I come to then is whether these feelings are experienced just as a result of being human? And, if that is the case, do we then actually need to label these feelings and behaviours as a syndrome? Is it not just another label, an excuse for how we are choosing to live our lives? Aren’t we just instead all humans trying to make it in this mad, mad world? I heard a quote recently which was “So many people are trying to solve a problem that is life, rather than living it”. Life will go on no matter what. Life doesn’t care if you label yourself or not, and unfortunately, life doesn’t care about your problems. So hadn’t we may as well just go on and live in the best way we can?
I understand that for some people, they need the label as an explanation or a reason for why they act and think and feel a certain way. Perhaps as a way to then try and resolve these thoughts and feelings. Personally, I see labels as restricting. I want to acknowledge but not dwell. I want to understand but not give excuses. I want to live life to the full, not half arse it because of some annoying thoughts I’ve experienced. If I tell myself I have Imposter Syndrome, can I then un-label myself too, or do I have to live and die by the sword?
I’m not saying these feelings aren’t real or valid. As I hope you can tell, I’ve lived with these thoughts and feelings rent-free in my head for most of my life. I even started to read a book about Imposter Syndrome last month, thinking it would help me tackle these thoughts, to re-frame how I think about certain things. I stopped the book about half-way in. I don’t need more excuses. What I need is to live more life. Whilst I might never break my cycle of been terrified of starting something new, I’ll continue to push myself and to conquer those fears. Even recently upon joining a run club, my husband still had to give me a little nudge out of the door that cold Tuesday night. I walked up to the crowd of established runners with my knees knocking together with nerves.
Maybe I will always feel like I don’t belong, but if I can keep building the evidence, brick by brick, moment by moment, and if I can stop telling myself I’m a fraud or that everything I’ve done is based on luck, then maybe one day I will start to believe. I can read books and forever Google “how to conquer Imposter Syndrome” but I honestly believe that the art is in the doing, that the art is in living your life. Because if you don’t, if you let the feelings or the excuses win or if you expect something or somebody else to do it for you, nobody will care except your 80 year old sad disappointed self. And, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want that to be me.
This awesome post resonates with me deeply, Lyndsay! 🙌
👍❤️